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An accordion is a bagpipe with pleats.Q: What is the definition of an optimist?A: An accordion player with a pager.Q: What is the difference between an Uzi and an accordion?A: The Uzi stops after 20 rounds.Q: What do accordion players use as a contraceptive?A: Their personalities. Q: What's the range of an accordion?A: Twenty yards if you've got a good arm! Q: What's a gentleman?A: Somebody who knows how to play the accordion, but doesn't. Q: What's the difference between an onion and an accordion?A: No-one cries when you chop up an accordion. Q: What's the difference between an accordion player and a terrorist?A: Terrorists have sympathisers.Q: What's the definition of perfect pitch?A: When an accordion is thrown down the toilet without it touching the sides. Q: What's the difference between an accordion and a concertina?A: The accordion takes longer to burn. Q: How do you protect a valuable instrument?A: Hide it in an accordion case. Q: What's an accordion good for?A: Learning how to fold a map. Q: What's the difference between a chainsaw and an accordion?A: A chainsaw can be tuned. Q: Why is it good that accordionists have a half-ounce more brains than horses?A: So they don't disgrace themselves in parades.